Had an interesting last amount of weeks. Was very close to separation with my husband. That was traumatic. It was also almost a relief. I am tired of the same issues and fights and arguments. However, after several (what could only be described as) psychotic breaks, i think some advancement in a positive direction may have occurred. We shall see. Its not that I don't love my husband. However, it feels so unsatisfying. We don't connect or do meaningful communications often, or do anything together really. Once in a while we have great intimate times, but usually its a short quick benefit for him only time and I am tired of trying to figure it out. I just don't care about it. From listening and hearing from so many other podcasts, when you don't have much interactions, or communications you (as a woman/wife) lose those fires and they turn to embers. I notice when I do have those moments with him I have more desires.
Then I found myself crying and examining with a fine tooth comb my mothering of my kids. I have so many failures and low points and know that I can't go back but I would if I could. My eldest i worry so much that she doesn't like me. I know she loves me, but I fear her growing older and just separating from me more and more. She's 21, married and is going through it herself. and I just want to be the constant support and force she can turn to. Even if it means eating shit and accepting whatever she thinks about me and then apologizing as much as I can. I know how healing it was for my own mother to apologize genuinely and accept that she was awful at some points. But I never held resentments because I had a compassion ingrained in me for her and others. I did want her to say sorry when she messed up but it didn't happen. So I had to forgive without it. However, I tried to say sorry when I knew I messed up, but the trouble is, I didn't realize how much I messed up and didn't realize.
Now my nephew is having a baby with his girlfriend (he is proposing soon), and I can't contain myself. He was my first baby I felt like was mine. Bonus baby if you will. And he sends me texts and pictures and shares his life with me. But i was a different person with him. To him. And I realize that.
I wish my eldest would share with me like he does, I also know that she is different with different struggles. I pray my hardest and the most for her. For her and her dads relationship. She has said she doesn't like him. Which is hard to hear. Even though it was in the middle of the massive blow up almost separation. Hurt to hear that. I hear him and his pain in his voice and thoughts when he asks why she doesn't reply to him or talk to him when he texts her and I don't know what to say. He is changing as he ages, however, their relationship is sticky. He was sooo harsh with and to her when she was growing up. And I used to tell him he would reap the results of that and he is. It does make me sad that he didn't have more of an open heart when he was younger to listen to my wisdom. He had lunch with her months ago and they had what seemed to be a great start to healing when he agreed with her that the oldest child gets the short end of the stick and has to endure more than the other kids. He came home saying how he needs to do better and more for her. What that means and entails IDK. He will have what seem to be breakthroughs and then doesn't follow through. When she moved out (which was a direct result of a horrid argument), and things settled down, he said he was going to send her flowers. I reminded him several times and he never did. His follow through that would help to cement in her mind that he is changing, don't pan out.
Will that be the case with the changes that he says he's going to make with me and our marriage? i have to give him a second chance to change. I do find it difficult to have desires to have relations with him at this point. Feels weird. Awkward. We have twice but they're the typical quick times that I am grateful for because I don't have it in me to have longer times that take actual effort or intentionality. It could be the point I am at in my life or just my hormone levels of my cycle. Maybe I'm starting perimenopause. Maybe i'm just dead inside. Except when watching a movie that may have that passion from spouses or the people in the relationship I do feel a stirring of desire. And I remember my passion for my husband exists. Ramblings of consistent complaints and observations is my way...
4:11 pm - Friday, Sept. 22, 2023
Recent entries:
Matters of the harsh realities - Sunday, Sept. 24, 2023
Chance to change... - Friday, Sept. 22, 2023
Update on the peeps - Saturday, Jan. 08, 2022
Cluttered but clean... - Saturday, Jan. 08, 2022
Airing grievances - Monday, Nov. 23, 2020
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