I am currently at work. I work a lot of overtime as of the last year. I average 60 hours a week. I have become used to feeling tired. I am burnt out so much. I am a homehealth nurse and I am inside all day long with my pt unless I manage to get them outside for a little while. Depending on allergies for them it may be weeks before I am able to see the sun. I leave the house when its dark and return...you guessed it, when its dark.I feel unfulfilled. I don't feel like its worth it to spend so much time away from my family. I know I financially have to as my husband isn't working due to his health issues. He is trying to get a guide fishing business up and running, meaning that he's fishing all the time on the boat his brother and him got. I KNOW logically he needs to get hours so he can take the guide course, but I have a hard time not being irritated that he's fishing all day. I work, and he fishes. He's doing laundry most of the time so that is good. However, he needs to step up his cooking meals game. I either pick it up on the way home or he gets take out. He doesn't cook. Helena cooks if I'm not home and he doesn't know what to make. He says i'm a hard worker and he's thankful for me. I know its true. I also know that I would love to feel it by actions.
For example: I worked yesterday, saturday, was at work by 6am. Got home at 6, after going to the store, and to walgreens toget justen sinus meds. I come home, make pancakes, bacon, eggs, biscuits. Cut up different lettuces for a salad mix, etc. He is just sitting on the chair the whole time on his phone. With a period of time for eating and then back to the phone and chair. I just really want him to see me doing things and jump up (yes. JUMP UP), and have the attitude display of, "what are you doing?! you worked ALLLL day, you're not cooking and then also cleaning up. YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING...no wife of mine who has work 60 hrs this week is doing a thing. Here's a beer, your phone, go sit. I will figure out dinner.
He has never done that. He's said he could pick up dinner if I wanted. I don't want that to be part of the equation. I want him to have it. To have it (dinner) under control. I want to feel cherished and appreciated. Besides him telling me he does, i want to feel it. To have him come behind me and support me relaxing.
I am applying to nursing transition LVN to RN in february. When I was in nursing school the first time 10 years ago, I was responsible for all meals and such at the same time as studying and doing the program. Nothing changed. No, "hey, I know you're stressed and have so much to do. Let ME do dinners. Until you're done. I can see how that will continue when I'm in the program this time too. Helena helps with meals if I ask her. I hate asking her. she's 14 and already does a lot in the aspect of getting amelia and helping.
I see him sit in the chair when I'm home. I know he does it all day that he's home too. Unless he's fishing he's married to that chair. Watching fishing videos, christian talks, or people driving stupid in videos??? Idk why he thinks that watching those are going to help him be prepare while driving.
and I HATE how he is with the dog. Hank is 12. He is old. OLD DAMMIT. Let him get up when he wants, and sniff around the floor by the table, and go out 20 times if he freakin' wants to. He is near his end time. For his sake i hope so. I can't even handle hearing justen get onto him. I hate it so much. The girls do too. He always has gotten onto him. About the dumbest shit. For. REAL. It does my head in. Sometimes he is nice to him. But when I see it. He's all business.
Cirrus is not living at home. I wish she was. She lives with Belle Loftis, works for her dad, and is engaged to Erik. I love when she visits. its so nice. When we all had Corona virus in June/July, we all quarantined together and I was in heaven. I loved cooking and shopping on line for all of us and just knowing we were all under the same roof. Lovely times. She is so independent and seemingly sure of herself. She is deepening her faith all the time. To listen to her speak is inspiring and I see her wisdom. She is a woman after Gods own heart. I see her clearly. I love her deeply. I miss her.
Helena is a freshman, she's going through different style with her clothes and hair and makeup. She wears false lashes everyday and looks glam at all times. I love that she has found a confidence. I miss my natural girl though. The undyed hair, the nike shorts, the nike shoes. No make up outside of the house girl. I hope she can get to the place where she's comfortable in her own skin and can feel beautiful both ways. This is part of getting there. I know this. And she is honestly my best friend. She is my mini me. Not in looks but in attitude, her personality, her style (a lot not all). She is so fun. I love being around her. She used to not be as affectionate as she is now, but nightly she hugs me and kisses me. Reminds me of when she was little she would hold my hand when we drove. Makes me misty eyed to think of it. Her hands are soft like butter. She's dreamy. I imagine my grandma Meyer had hands like that.
Amelia is 7. SEVEN!!! Such a smart and creative and sweet girl. People not acting right bothers her. Her friend Abbie is a source of frustration frequently. She ignores amelia at school if she is playing with someone else. or says she isn't gonna be amelias friend over a trivial matter. I hear all about it. We will see how that friendship blooms. Or dies away.
She is learning cursive writing, is great at science and math, loves art. Is a GREAT reader. Is on her phone way too much. But oh well. What can I do. Im at work all the time. So I see her when I leave and kiss her bye, and when she is lying down for bed. REAL QUALITY.
I'm coated in mom guilt.
We found my eldest brother that my mom gave up for adoption, found out that my sister Christi is my half, not full, sister. my brother Tom is nice. LIBERAL as I am conservative. it makes for some fun interactions with zoom calls.
My goodness. and my mom is 79 and small and skinny and sounds so old now. She just recently started sounding old. My vibrant mama, old. How strange.
I don't know who I would call a best friend at this point. I see no one outside of my immediate household. Pts families I see. And let me say, its so WEIRD that their parents leave and don't say bye. Sometimes they do, but a lot of the time they're gone and I don't know it. Its bad manners IMO. But hey, whatever.
I'm outtie 5000.
6:21 pm - Monday, Nov. 23, 2020
Recent entries:
Matters of the harsh realities - Sunday, Sept. 24, 2023
Chance to change... - Friday, Sept. 22, 2023
Update on the peeps - Saturday, Jan. 08, 2022
Cluttered but clean... - Saturday, Jan. 08, 2022
Airing grievances - Monday, Nov. 23, 2020
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