my life

Wednesday, Dec. 19, 2001 : 3:18 pm
I am sooooooo uncomfortable being Moby Dick.

headed and queasy in general. I don't think its possible for her to grow anymore than she

already has. I really don't. I mean, where the heck is she going to go next? She already

pushes all my vital organs and knocks on my ribs and hips. I feel like a whale. More like

I have a WHALE INSIDE ME!!

She moves less now, but when she does move its a production to be recognized by Roger Ebert.

My belly button has popped almost completely out now. I look like, in my opinion, one of those

beach balls that has the plastic plug pushed up letting you know that there is too much air

and there needs to be some air let out.

OUI!! There she goes again moving. Sometimes I need to keep myself from yelling,"Stop!"

But then again, I won't have that ability to feel her like that for much longer. So I guess

I better be pretty damn thankful. It kind of hurts to feel an elbow or a foot go up my rib

or down into my hips and push with all the might in the little appendage.

Tamara lost (miscarried) her baby the night before last. So I need to stop complaining. Its

hard to not get real teary around her. When I gave her a hug, I didn't say anything except

that I was really sorry and then I just burst into tears and we both cried. She will be the

best mom when she has a child. She isn't real irritable with them. The doctor told her that

it was stress that caused it.

I hate to say it, but if her and Tim didn't argue and fight so much then I don't think this

would've happened. Its hard though. I remember fighting with Justen all the time. I didn't

even feel like it was me that was in the arguements. They were like out of body experiences

for me. But it is important to try and keep it down. The level of animosity or anger that

one can encapsulate in themselves. Freightening.

What's scary is that I remember getting so scared when I saw a little bit of blood in my

underwear. I thought for sure I was losing Cirrus. Which isn't crap I'm sure to how she

feels. Tim said that she had been crying all night and day. I'm sure.

I felt bad, when she came over last night she saw all the baby stuff that I had laid out

trying to organize everything and hang up all the clothes. She almost started to cry, but

she didn't. She is trying to be strong and she doesn't realize how strong she is, because

I would just break down. Mentally and physically I would just be a mush vegetable.

I got some sweet stuff from Cathy that she gave me from the Grandma shower she had last

night. Someone gave her this beautiful pink satiny, silky soft cottony blanket that I am

keeping over there along with some onesies and burp rags and other stuff. So that she has

stuff over there. For all the babysitting she'll be doing.

TJ (Justen's dad) is so awesome. He is getting kind of funny about the baby. He said that

the bouncer is dangerous and she shouldn't be in it if it can come apart so easy. (Its made

that way!!) And Cathy bought her some little coveralls and TJ said he thought that it was

unsafe because there were buckles on it. Man how did he sleep at night. Justen only wore

coveralls because of his bag. (Long story)

She is going to a well rounded little kid. She will have eccentricity and normalcy. I'm not

sure which one me and Justen fit into, but grandparent wise, Cathy and TJ are normal and my

mom is eccentric. Cathy will be the one she'll go to to bake cookies and do arts and crafts, and

my mom will be the one she'll hang out with if she wants to learn about Africa and Hippos.

She unfortunately will not be around my mom so often because it is SOO important for her to

go to the dirty, desolate and hot land of Africa. So be it, and if it hairlips everyone then

she is still going. (I don't know what that means but if you do please let me know)

Christi is going to spoil the shit out of her. She said that the first two months will just

fly by and I won't want to leave her to go back to work. I felt tears well up at the thought

of it when I was hanging up her clothes on the pink hangers, and all the little diapers and

pacifiers (suckies as I call them) and socks and the little ruffely and frilly diaper covers

that she has. And the little lap cloths and the stuffed animals.

I am so tired right now. I am disappointed that my nap time isn't for another hour and a half,

I want to work half days. I think I could possibly tolerate waking up early to come to work.

Probably not by much though. I want her to be here.

I AM SO FULL!! ITS LIKE I HAD A WHOLE FEAST ALL BY MYSELF!! UGH!!!

Justen went to play golf. ** I'm sorry, not to play golf but to hit balls at the driving

range ** and to get our laundry from his parents house that I left there last night. He

won't fold them. Watch.

Laters,

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