my life

Wednesday, Nov. 28, 2001 : 2:15 pm
Ranting is my game.

He would sit there and talk to me til' 4 or 5 in the morning and I would be so nervous and excited all at the same time the whole while he was talking to me. (I am not kidding, if I thought about him even without him being in the same residence or radius of me I would literally throw up. It happened everyday practically in the shower. And trust me. I didn't make myself do it. I just literally got so excited and scared and nervous and nauseas. (sp?)

He was so perfect to me. Good looking and smart and a smart ass and he had a chip on his shoulder that I was positive I could knock right off if only he'd look at me twice in the way I wanted him to.

Now I have Justen and Cirrus and I couldn't be more than happier and so it makes me feel crummy for getting so upset over stupid stuff.

But sometimes I feel neglected. Not really by Justen specifically, but by my life. Life in general really. I just get so fed up. I work everyday and feel like it doesn't pay off. I mean yes it goes to all the shit we need, but shouldn't I get to play somewhat for the time that I have to work? I just want to be able to come home and see Justen and every once in while just go and get ready and go somewhere other than to park my ass on the couch.

I haven't been taken out in quite a while. The last time I remember Justen taking me out is whenever we went to Landry's and then afterwards I believe we just went home afterwards. It was whenever we had just opened our joint account together and so that must've been around 4 months ago. I've gone out to eat since but not just with Justen as a special date or anything. DAMMIT.

I thought we were going to go out whenever I got home and then he said he remembered that we are going to his parents to eat dinner.

I love his parents and his mom can cook really well, but I want to do SOMETHING!!!!! I am going to rip out my fuckin' hair.

I have such monotany that I call a life that I want to vomit at times.

I can't just call up Kora or Sonja and say," Lets grab coffee " and have them say, " Hell yeah " and go.

Joann is not a go have coffee for 3 hours type of person. She doesn't function that way. Which is okay and that's fine, but I am really drowning in this Houston lifestyle that says unless you like to shop and drink a lot and do drugs and party like its 1999, then we ain't got shit for you. Sorry son, you're fucked and out of luck.

Michelle is not a coffee person either. She's a confidant, a friend that you see only like once a month and then you're done til next month.

I don't have anyone who really relates with me. Who really can say, yep, I know what she's all about, and I can identify with a lot of it. Or at least understand it.

I'm sarcastic and bitchy and moody and mean sometimes, but you know what? My best friends know that I'm soo much than that too though. I am nice and funny and sarcastic in good ways and I am the kind of person that if you're my friend and you made a mistake that you feel is a cardinal sin (unless you killed a child - who wasn't chucky) I will make you feel better and like it wasn't your fault and did nothing wrong. Because to me, my friends are perfect. Not perfect individuals mind you but perfectly human. I am sweet. On my friends birthday if I have the means I will fuckin' spoil them rotten. I get my friends roses for no reason, just because. I will sacrifice my opinion a thousand times over if I think it will honestly hurt my friends feelings then I will eat my words. I am nice to my friends boyfriends so that it won't cause problems for my friend. I am nice to people who I could really feel good about telling to fuck themselves and listing everything wrong with that person from A to Z. But do I do it? NO. Because I am trying to be nice.

NO MORE. I don't have any more friends from stretching myself and trying to be better than the situation calls for do I? HELL NO. I have 2 friends down here in Houston. and neither of them are interested in the kind of shit that I like to do. That in itself doesn't make them any less of a friend it just makes it where I want a friend who is like me in some ways.

I like to fuckin' go to the Salvation Army and find great jeans that are already broken in from the previous person. It gives them history. It makes me wonder what kind of journeys and adventures and sadness and happiness they have been thru and part of.

I like to go to Antique stores and look furniture and clothes and jewelry and records and dolls and plates and sheets and dresses.

I like to walk around on the Strand and go to the ice cream shop that brings back memories from when I was a little girl and me and my mom and sister used to go to the Bass store and buy shoes.

I love to go to really old homes in Galveston and see how they were built and furnished and read about those who used to live there and founded part of Galveston.

I like to sit in a restaurant and eat salsa and chips and smoke a lot and drink coffee and (I really don't drink the coffee half the time I drink Dr. Pepper) sit with my friend who has nothing better to do than to hang out with me and B.S. about life.

Have a good talk about religion. I don't care what the hell you believe I just like to talk about the differences and the likes and all. I think its interesting.

Yeah...go ahead and put me down for never having many friends. I want to move to Austin again. Fuck this Houston shit. I don't fit in here at all.

Its quite depressing. I hate it here actually. To be quite honest. Fucking hate it. If someone has purple hair here, they get looked at like a sideshow animal with 2 heads. Fuckin' ridiculous. I'm not saying I think everyone should have different colored hair but I just think that you shouldn't judge people so much on their outward appearance.

Its different if they're wearing a Cradle of Filth shirt that has a nun on the front of it masturbating with a crucifix. That is fuckin' raunchy. No religous symbol such as a monk or witch or anything like that should be disreguarded with such trashy commoness.

And people here (unless you're on the Richmond side of town) are so homophobic. What do they think? That its going to rub off on themselves if they are in the same room with a homosexual person and don't say something rude like calling them a name or giving them dirty looks? How odd I think that is. Just because you're straight and someone else isn't don't give them shit about going to hell and how its wrong and disgusting. You are welcome to your opinion but that is all it is. YOUR OPINION. and what if it is wrong? Are you God now? You are making it your business to persecute them?

Sorry I've turned this into a rant entry. Sorry Sorry Sorry.

I love you.

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