my life

Monday, Nov. 12, 2001 : 1 pm
I despise everyone right now.

I was asleep last night and then Justen just nonchalantly says," hey lets go get the paper part of the married license okay?" and so I was like wtf?

Doesn't the person you're going to marry have to ask you to marry them first before doing this?

I don't care that we don't have rings yet but dammit to fuckin' hell I want a damn proposal. And I am not going to marry someone who doesn't give me one. You can't just go into something like a marriage if you don't ask for there to be one. At least in my opinion.

So he says he wanted to wait until we had rings to ask me and what was going thru my head is, Why would you ask a person to marry you if you're already technically with a paper married? Does that make any fuckin' sense to anyone?

Then he goes into how he has wanted to ask me a few times but in not so many words blamed for him not doing it yet.

He brought up shit from like 3 or 4 months ago. Like how I have said stuff to hurt his feelings and that when I have told him I hated him he holds onto it because I haven't apologized good enough.

Shoot me. I've said things that I didn't mean and so I've apologized for them both verbally and what I thought with actions. You know like, pretty much waiting on him hand and foot. He doesn't do anything around the house like cleaning or cooking or doing the laundry. I do. I don't even give him shit for not having a job other than his 2.5 hour a day part timer.

So, by me busting my ass and providing a roof over our heads and paying the bills (now don't get me wrong his couple hundred a month he makes would just fuck me over if I didn't have it so I am grateful for that at least) obviously means shit.

And you know what. If he thinks that by me being a fuckin' human being and saying something I didn't mean in the heat of being angry and then being silly enough to apologize then fuck me. Because I didn't apologize to his standards. Fuck me.

I am not going to be fine after him telling me this. And it wasn't just that. It was like and hours worth of stuff that I have done, or things about me that have caused him to NOT ask me to Marry him.

Then he had the audacity to tell me I am perfect for him. HA! HA! HA! I literally started to laugh. It's like, man then your standards of apology are higher than your standards for a wife and mother then huh? At least that is the way it sounds to me.

He said that his mom said that she wonders what I'll do next if I already do half the stuff that I do when I get mad. Well, I guess the next thing I'll do is say fuck this. If my apologies aren't good enough for you and you are going to hold onto me getting mad and yelling 3 or 4 months ago and bring it up and say that I have so many other things wrong with me than why are you with me. Take off. Cause it sounds like I'm doing you more harm than good. Good Bye. See ya son. Hasta Luego. My compliments to the Perfect individual that you are going to never find that doesn't ever say something they regret in the heat of an arguement and have to apologize for. If you do find them. I'd like to meet them, and study their technique. Cause in my mind, (Course it is limited to my knowledge which isn't much obviously about people) Jesus and God are the only one's we can even claim to knowing of being perfect. (this is my religious belief so don't harp on me if you think differently whatever you think if its different and floats your boat then great, leave me alone) I guess I'll have to add Justen's name to the list.

I'm not talking to him much right now and I won't after I get off work. He's fishing with his friend Wes right now. My my my. He's stressed out isn't he?

And I told him that he must be comfortable enough with our financial situation because he ain't tryin' real hard to get a job. He didn't put in an application for weeks at any job so he is comfortable. and no matter what he says his actions speak louder than words.

I want to know if someone knows what the shortest period of time is that someone has taken off work for having a baby and then going back. Cause I know there is no way in hell I'm going to even get close to taking 6 weeks off. Not with out winning the lottery.

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