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Laundry doin' lazy Saturday, Nov. 03, 2001 : Four PM
Motherhood, and friendship all in one. How do they connect? Let me count the ways...
I am doing laundry at Cathy and TJ's house. (Justen's parents) and I was just thinking about how different I feel from just 1 year ago. I felt confident and in control and like I was the number one shit. I was invincible. I could be hurt but not HURT. Now I feel kind of weak and not in control. Like I have to sort of depend on those around me to make me happy or to decide what mood I'm in. and I think that stinks. Just fuckin' stinks.I think that I feel that way because I am unsure of what type of mother I'll be. Will I be a good mother? A strong mother. One who's children depend on me and think that I can do no wrong? Or will I be the kind that is weak because of having no real friends here. I have them all in Austin and there I feel in control. Here I feel as if I could have the floor and ground move and drop right from underneath me. I hate here in Houston. I don't feel understood. Even sometimes by those who are supposed to know me best. They claim to and yet they don't understand or know shit. They know enough about my past as a child to embarrass the shit out of me infront of people that I know and love. Things that I'd rather not ever think about me having done they bring up or tell without even thinking twice. Because they wouldn't be embarassed about it they take for granted that I shouldn't either. And that is why I don't hang out with some people anymore. Because constantly they'd do that. Or they'd talk shit about me and they think its their right to have their opinion and say so about what I've done and do. So instead of listen to it anymore, I say goodbye without really saying goodbye. I say it without confrontation. Without harsh words and mean disputes. I am choosing to let go. and you know what? Though I wish that it had gone differently, maybe it is supposed to be this way. I am supposed to sort of face my transition into parenthood with friends and family and people around me who are going to be positive and understand when to put their nose into my life and open their yaps about what they "think" I should be doing. Because its not that I don't want to hear anything that people have to say, I just don't want to hear it all the time. I want to have the freedom to make a mistake or fuck up without having someone there with a camcorder recording it all so that they can do an instant replay anytime their little hearts desire. I don't miss waking up to questions about what so and so said and well they said that you used to do this with John, or you always fall in love soo quickly, and don't even know what love is and you only are going out with him because you are on the rebound. Am I? Well fuck you. Cause this is one hell of a rebound don't you think? Sorry to have gone off on a tangent but those were some things that I was thinking and now are gone. Thanks.
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