my life

Wednesday, Oct. 31, 2001 : 12:19 pm
Friends that don't smother are the best for a soon to be mother.

I liked Justen already. What can I say, he was a hot catch. My dad was still alive, and I didn't have this job. I wasn't pregnant and I was actually stupid enough to think that dumb ass John had made me believe I wasn't good enough. Well, imagine, 2 and a half months short of being a year later and I have a job, (okay so I don't LOOOVE IT) I am going to be having a beautiful baby girl in 2 1/2 months, I lost 20 pounds (before getting pregnant and gaining back 18 of those) I live on my own with my honey who I love dearly and I may not have many friends but the ones that I do have love me. So I am living pretty good.

Sure I have some financial needs but who doesn't unless you're fuckin' donald trump or FUCKING donald trump. (Ha did you get that? I'm also collecting a retarded sense of humor)

I haven't gained any weight except for in my tummy, my legs are still the same size if not smaller and my arms are better looking now too. My hair and nails are stronger and growing faster and my skin has never looked better.

I'm doing well.

I just wish that people (not many just one really) would stop telling me that I need to tell Justen how I feel about him not having a full time job. Because to tell you the truth, this person is the one who has the big problem with it. Justen has dropped off his resume and filled out applications at so many places and they haven't called him back yet. He goes on new job interviews all the time and so until he actually gets called back, then oh well, I guess we'll struggle a little while longer. I love Justen and we're doing fine. and unfortunately I've had to basically stop talking to a few people no matter how long I've known them or how great of a "friend" I thought they were because they don't know how to not stick their nose in the places its not needed or wanted depsite how they think it is.

The people that I truly value as my friends right now, lets examine their traits and characteristics. I am able to just sit there and not have to say anything to them and I'm not considered to be in a bad mood or boring or suppressing anything.

I am able to go for weeks without talking to them and they don't think I'm being anti social or that there is anything wrong. Much less that I need to see or talk to them more. I am pregnant. They understand that I am just resting and spending much needed time with myself and honey. I'm using the time to get prepared mentally. I am going to be a MOTHER! a parent. I will have a baby to take care of. I am not a needy kind of friend. I don't have to talk to my best friends everyday to know they still like me. I don't have to see them very often to know, that when I DO see them, I will be on the same page I left off on. With the same feelings, and same level of friendship.

I have a few that if I had the means and ability I would probably see them everyday and hang out and just veg, but I don't so I live with it and make due until I do get to see them.

It was a relief to go to Austin this last week end and see 2 of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I just all of a sudden felt connected again to a place in myself that hasn't been able to breathe in almost a year. The place and part of myself, where I can go and re-live and remember the times when I just had to call up Sonja or Kora and say, HEY, lets go have coffee, or lets go to Goodwill and just look around, or Hey, do y'all want to spend the night and stay out til' 5am drinking coffee and talking? Times when I would call Sonja and go hang out at her 3 sq. ft. of an apartment and watch her put together these incredible scrapbooks/collage books and we'd buy handwriting analysis books and bribe everyone we knew under the sun to write down a sentence so we could see what kind of person they were and smoke countless packs of cigarettes and eat gallons of salsa at Serranos and just be there. With eachother, connecting on a level that no one else has or had with me.

Kora is also the most incredible, fucking creative and beautiful and intelligent and brave and wonderful friend or person that I could ever meet. or have the privelidge of knowing. I don't know what it is, but from the beginning (after the hotdog beating incident-I'll recollect that memory in a little bit) we had a chemistry. One that I had to force her to realize but making her hang out with me and spend the night at my house, but eventually, she caught on. (she wanted to be friends with me, but she was scared of me what can I say, I came off then as a bit, oh what is the word...Brash? Abusive? Arrogant? Aggressive? Loud as a fuckin' atom bomb? ( I don't actually know if atom bombs make a noise but I was loud ) Yes I think those phrases describe me adequately and probably somewhat now depending if I REALLY LIKE YOU off the start and really want to have you around me.

But anyways, Kora and I had the whole crusin' in the car and smoking countless packs of cigarettes with the windows down and my hair whipping us in the face and the music blaring whether it be Nirvana or Hole or Paula Cole (no I didn't plan that neat little rhyme) and we always had a great time just being together. Whether we were obsessing about guys or the Colwell boys or whatever. We had fun. and I can honestly say, now that I have moved away from her, my heart breaks a little bit when I leave after seeing her for a day or two because maybe I have that need to stay in the past and keep my teenage years a constant, or maybe its because she truly is my best friend of all and I can't even think what my life would be without her.

She is going to be the God Mother of my daughter for cryin' out loud. She is still a constant in my life. and always will be.

I love them. They understand me fully and though we are apart a lot and don't see eachother nearly enough, I live for the visits that come every 2 months or so. I love the anticipation of driving to Austin and screaming at the top of my lungs in my head silently thinking about getting to jump around and hug on them like I just won the lottery. But with them, I have. It just doesn't have much money in the package. Just a few meals at Serranos and a sure fire bet that there will be ciggies smoked. But, thats how I like it.

I love you guys. Sonja you better call me if you can!! I love you. Kora you too!!

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