my life

Thursday, Sept. 20, 2001 : 11:10 am
I'm baaack. and still whining.

The copy guy is here fixing the machine. I hope he doesn't fix it til' I get back from lunch. That way when I get back all I'd have to do is make copies. (-Makin' copies!!!!-) Blame Saturday night live. MY GOD, I'm become those weird pregnant women who have constant gas and fart all the time and just eat non stop. (SAD) and Justen has this rule that he's has set in his head that since I'm a girl I can't fart or poot because its just wrong. and you think I'm just being silly and he does it to be funny but he seriously gets pissed off if I do. But he does it all the time.

We had like a 2 hour talk last night mainly of me bawling like a big fuckin' baby but nonthe less there was some word exchange there.

Here is the situation. I have started to not like SEX anymore. I like it, I just don't want to do it much anymore at the same time as Justen because I am tired tired tired tired tired tired. All the time. and he gets upset with me because he just doesn't think that it could be possible for my interest to wain and have it be normal. So I start feeling like I am doing something wrong since I don't want to do it all the time. I don't want to do it everyday. I have started to dread sort of coming home a bit because I just know at some point before he goes to work he's going to do it and I'm not going to want to and he's going to get upset. It seems like he wants to so much that it is all he cares about. I just want a few days where I don't have to worry about him getting upset with me. I want a few days of showers that just are that. Showers. No alterior motives. I want a few days where we cuddle and I don't have to fend off any kind of sexual maneuver. I like sex don't get me wrong. But I don't have a chance to like it anymore. He wants it all the time and I want to cuddle some. I don't feel really sexual lately. I have a human in me. I know she doesn't feel shit, and doesn't know what the hell is going on but I still get weirded out that she is sitting right there in my stomach and we do that so close to her. That and it has become a chore. Where if he wants to I better not act like I don't want to cause he'll get all pouty and not talk to me or touch me. and it always falls on the fact that if I hadn't said that I would do it later when I got home or when he gets home from his night job that there wouldn't be a problem. Which isn't true. Because he's the one who brought up leaving to go ahead and go to his parents and was just real snappy. I just want to crawl under a rock. He doesn't yell or anything when he gets upset over it, just pouts and doesn't seem like he wants to be around me. Its so stressful. SO STRESSFUL because if I didn't feel like that is what he was sooo concentrated on is sex then I might be more liable to give it to him. If he pampered me and acted like he knew he has something he wants to keep then I might be more liable to give it to him and it would help if he acted and did it convincingly that he didn't really care about it then I would definately take charge in the department of sex. But it wouldn't happen everyday. maybe 3 times a week or whatever. But I'm 6 months pregnant here. Doesn't that mean its okay to not have sex everyday??? I always heard that. it doesn't seem to ring true here in my case. and to top all that all off I am right across the hallway from my mother who I'm sure doesn't want to hear her unmarried and pregnant daughter screwing her boyfriend. Not real serene sleeping quarters. I am so stressed out from worrying about not having a place to stay in little less than a month and if we do find a place not being able to afford it. We can barely afford rent and our car payments and buying gas and food much less us having to pay for a 2 bedroom something whether its a house or apt. and I get scared cause I don't make enough to pay for anything else. I never seem to have enough fuckin money. I get scared and then plus I am scared about how its going to hurt soooooo bad giving birth to Cirrus. Not being pretty or even close to my old self after the baby. I just am so stressed out and then I have to deal with him getting upset with me about sex? Sex just seems so meaningless after all the fights and arguements we've had about it. It is a duty that he obviously isn't satisfied with my performance on.

I want to rip out my hair. He said last night he is going to get better and he shouldn't have gotten mad at me about it last night and he knows that and that is great, but now I just hope it sticks. I want my few days to just come home and watch Roseanne and have him cook dinner and pamper me and tuck me in and hold me while we watch pretty woman or something. My dreams...

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