my life

2001-07-06 : 3:44 p.m.
Holes and Cleats and the wounds that come from them...

If only people would look around and look what their actions say about them and the way they feel about their closest friends and loved ones.

I feel like my heart and emotions are tied to a huge meat hook on either side and is being ripped apart sometimes. One hook represents the hate that is pulling and pulling and tearing and ripping at me because of how much the roomie is fucking me and my honey over. We are all supposed to be best friends? NOT FUCKIN' EVEN CLOSE. and the other hook represents forgiveness that I so easily want to give to her even though I know she truly doesn't care. 90% of her couldn't give a rats ass and 10% of her does. Like there is a glimmer of a memory in her mind of how we used to be. Laughed and Joked and had a good time and now its like she took that out of her mind and heart with one hand and in the other hand she has replaced it with shallow false friends who don't have lives and jobs and responsibities so they're able to hang out with her all the time and therefore she fills the void with that false friendship and feelings of being cared for. and its like, you know what? I am tired of being the forgiver. Being the one who lets people fuckin' walk on me with soccer cleats and then says no problem, fuget about it and gets back up again and forgets about the holes of anger and hurt and desire to feel that person say, " you know what soph- I am sorry, I fucked up and it won't ever happen again, please forgive me." Because they never do. and she never will. So I will be relatively nice and decent and I might even let a joke or sarcastic remark slip out and make the best of living there. But I won't ever get up again from the ground and field of being shit on and say, Forget about it...won't happen. Ever again. I forgive and forgive and forgive and then thats it. and without ever being given an apology. I'm done to death with that.

I was on the potty when I heard banging and pounding on the door and I got up when I figured out Molly wasn't there to get it, and there Kelly was. She said thank you and I stuttered out," where the hell is molly?" and she said," no idea. " and I went back in my room.

Then I came out to leave for work and asked if she'd be home around 4:30pm or so because I thought that Kora and Jarrod would be showing up around then and she said yes and I walked out the door.

I got half way down the steps and came back in and asked if she had toilet paper and she said no she had some napkins and I said I'd give her some since she was less likely to be irritable from a scratchy ass if she had toilet paper.

and I got her some and she said she'd clean up and I said I didn't give a fuck what Kora and Jarrod thought. (after all it wasn't my mess)

and then left. I then realized that I was doing it again. Starting to forget about being fucked over. Because ladies and gentlemen. I can't be fake. I can't be nice to someone I don't like. Its not in me. My mother raised me to act the way I feel. and so I psychologically in my subconscience started to justify the shit she did by thinking about how shitty she has to feel inside and about herself if she can act that way to me and justen. and so I started letting myself be nice. I can't do it. I'll be civil. Not nice. Maybe I can't be beause if feels as if I am kissing her ass. and I am not an ass kisser folks. Thats not me and never has been. I was a teachers pet because I made fun of my teachers in a harmless joyous and light hearted way. and they loved me for it. It showed I wasn't scared of them and indeed. I wasn't. and I'm not scared of her either so I don't need to kiss ass. I'm not scared of anybody because I have no reason to be. I am just as great as everyone else and no better either. (except for crackwhores and hookers and shit asses like that.)

I love you all.

P.S. Fuck you Kora for not calling me at work like I told you to when you called and woke me up at 2 in the fuckin' morning and were drunk and probably don't even remember calling me. Hope you call in time cause I'm not waiting around.

Please call Korak I love you!!!

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